LossofInnocenceKobo Page 3

  My thoughts continued to plague me as the footman served the most succulent roast beef smothered in gravy. Thrilled again at our savory menu while Anton was visiting and pleased to have my thoughts wander elsewhere I relished a bite of bread dipped in the rich, brown gravy.

  I supposed Cook to be just as happy as I was to at long last have something besides bland frugal meals. I imagined her wrinkled, plump face glowing as she was again able to stock the kitchen with items she wanted not just needed and to be able to prepare a meal as it was meant to be done.

  I was nibbling on some potatoes when we were interrupted by Collins “A message from His Grace, My Lady.” Collins bent forward and placed the silver tray containing a small envelope before her.

  “Thank you Collins.” Mama grasped the silver letter opener with a shaky hand and tore into the envelope. She did not hide her eagerness to see what was delaying Anton and I watched intently as she unfolded the parchment and read aloud his message:

  “Gracious ladies, please forgive me for not returning in time for dinner. Business is taking longer than expected and I have decided to spend the night in a hotel. I shall return to your most enjoyable company by tea tomorrow.

  Anton”

  I felt relief as she read the note, he would return tomorrow. The feeling of anxiety lifting answered one of my questions, I was indeed afraid Anton would leave me and not return.

  Mama set the note on the table and motioned for her plate to be taken away. The footman immediately served dessert and I watched Mama’s expression as it went from dark and heavy to light and happy.

  “See there was nothing to be concerned over.” I said as dessert was placed before me.

  “It still leaves us hanging as to what this business of his is exactly, but you are correct. There is no cause for alarm or distress.” Mama gazed at the display before her as Collins lit her dish of cherries jubilee. “Still Anton has missed a delicious, and not to mention expensive, dinner.”

  I saw the joy threaten to leave her face as her mind returned to our financial predicament. Fortunately, the brandy laden dessert’s flames flickered and the entertaining display held the smile in place on her face. As the alcohol burned out, she maintained a childlike grin and dipped her spoon into the dish.

  I ate my dessert, savoring the flavor of the caramelized sugars again thankful for our return to such delicious foods and contented that Anton would soon return to me.

  * * * *

  I slept peacefully that night and woke early, eager to begin the day that Anton would be returning. I was curious to learn what his business was, but mostly I was hoping he would ask for my hand.

  After fretting that he would not return, I decided it was time to forgive him for leaving me. It had been a squabble between him and my late Papa that had sent the Duke away and I wanted to let it go once and for all.

  Sara assisted me as I got dressed. I chose a more formal gown than was necessary, a long red one that cinched in my already small waist with black lace accents. I ran my hand over the front of the bodice and admired my image in the mirror. Perhaps it was a bit much, but I felt it was flattering yet remained proper. I wanted to look my best when Anton arrived.

  The day went on as normal as could be. I ate breakfast with Mama. It was bland as she had ordered Cook to prepare porridge since Anton would not be joining us.

  “Mama, we do not have to eat this boring fare any longer.” I could not contain my smile “I anticipate the Duke asking for my hand very soon.” I imagined the little brown box I had seen in his room and wondered what the ring looked like.

  Mama looked at me “I am so happy you are agreeable with the arrangement.” She reached out and took my hand “I truly want you to be happy my dear.”

  “I think I will be.” I blushed and poured another cup of tea as thoughts of Anton and our wedding danced in my mind.

  After breakfast we retired to the parlor and wrote letters to various family and friends. I could hardly concentrate on writing as all I could think of was how the next time I wrote them I would be able to include my engagement to His Grace, the Duke of Davenshaw.

  My heart soared as I eagerly awaited his arrival when at last I heard someone at the door. I tried to remain calm as Collins went to show the visitor in.

  I heard his voice and felt my cheeks flush. I wanted to leap up and run to him but I remained seated until Collins showed him into the parlor.

  “Anton, you are back.” Mama gushed as he walked through the doors, getting up from the small writing table to greet him.

  “Yes, I have returned.” He said dramatically and bowed to us.

  I remained still but could not take my eyes off him. Had he actually gotten more handsome in one day? I mused as I looked him up and down.

  “I do hope your business went well.” Mama wanted to get him to open up. She walked to the two small sofas in the center of the room and sat on one.

  “Yes. Business went fine.” Anton approached me and took my hand.

  I looked longingly into his eyes and felt my body warm at his touch as he kissed me lightly “And how are you, Lydia?”

  “I am well.” I wanted him to drop to his knee and ask for my hand right then and there. The anticipation was killing me. “I am pleased you have returned.”

  “Did you miss me?”

  I could not help but blush “Yes, I think I did.” I stood and walked with him to where Mama sat on the couch and I sat beside her.

  Anton sat across from us on the other small couch and took the cup of tea that Collins had poured for him. “So did I miss anything?”

  “The most amazing dinner and dessert.” Mama abruptly injected.

  “Well rest assured I will not miss out tonight.”

  Mama patted me on the arm “Well, I should go and check with Cook to make sure everything is going accordingly.” She smiled knowingly at me as she left me alone in the parlor with Anton.

  As soon as the door closed, Anton got up and sat beside me. My heart raced as he put his hands out for mine.

  “Lydia,” My heart pounded as he spoke my name and his hands encased mine. “I am aware of your situation.” I looked down, amazed at how his large hands encased my petite hands.

  He reached up and with his finger on my chin, lifted my face to meet his gaze. “I want you to know that you and your Mama will want for nothing if we were to wed.”

  My mouth went dry and I swallowed hard. These were not the words I dreamed of hearing when a man proposed to me. I did not let my disappointment show as deep down I was fully aware this marriage would be a good percentage of business not love.

  “I am more than happy to have you as my bride.” I could not contain my smile as he spoke those words. “But” He said in an authoritative tone “I have my needs to consider and I am telling you beforehand, if you cannot meet them then you may not be the happy bride you are imagining yourself to be.”

  I was not sure what to say and the smile disappeared from my face. I looked down at his hands again. I remembered all the times he had held my hand as we walked in the garden. I recalled that young girl crush and a combination of my heart and our financial needs made the decision for me.

  “Knowing this are you willing to proceed with an engagement?”

  I looked up and gazed deep into his eyes and said “Yes.”

  He pulled me to him and kissed me gently on the lips and I quickly forgot that he had not been on one knee as I had imagined a proposal to come from my suitor. He opened his jacket and took out a small ring made of white gold with the most gorgeous sapphire I had ever seen.

  Anton placed the ring on my finger and I held my hand out to admire it. Intricate narrow vines were carved up from the thin band to form a base of flowers that held the beautiful blue stone in place.

  My mind was still spinning when he stood up and put out his hand. I took it without hesitation and looked at him, shocked and in awe of the beautiful ring that clearly had cost a fortune.

  “Let’s tell your mo
ther, I am sure she is dying to hear our news.” He placed his hand on my lower back and walked me to the door.

  As we left the parlor to find Mama I had no idea what I had just agreed to. My life was about to change more than I ever could have imagined.

  * * * *

  Anton gave Mama the freedom to plan our wedding with no expense to be spared. She was, of course, overjoyed and before I could spend time with my new fiancé, I was swept off to London to find and purchase a wedding gown.

  I did not get to decide on our marriage date as Mama had made it clear Anton and I would have our wedding this month and since June was nearly at an end, she immediately began to make all the arrangements.

  In her excitement at having money again she seized control of my special day and ran wild with it. I allowed her to have her way as I had never seen her happier and could not bear to take away such joy. Besides, I was so overwhelmed with the reality of marriage that I did not know where to begin making preparations for such a life altering occasion.

  For days we went from shop to shop as Mama looked for the perfect wedding gown. I was growing weary of having materials thrown at me and seamstresses measuring me when I discovered a white satin dress decorated with the most elegant lace I had ever seen and hurried to try it on.

  The top of the dress had a lace bodice sewn over the satin. The long form fitting sleeves widened at the wrist just enough to softly drape over part of my hands. The neckline was drastically cut in a narrow V shape but still managed to close enough to maintain modesty and climbed slightly up the sides and back of my neck in soft, sculpted curves. The form fitting bodice stopped just above my hips with a wide cream colored sash that wrapped around my waist and tied in a large bow at the small of my back. The bottom of the frock was satin and draped softly at the hips then flowed out ever so slightly to make a lovely tulip shaped gown that touched the floor. A small train on the back was trimmed in the same lace as the bodice, and the long lace veil made me feel like royalty. It was all so very elegant and simple at the same time. I instantly fell in love with the dress and after some minor alterations we were on our way back to the house with everything a bride could ever need and more.

  I was eager to return home and see Anton. I had been gone for nearly six days and felt as if I were living someone else’s life. I only wanted to spend time with my future husband and rediscover the man that I had admired as a young girl.

  Upon entering the door, I looked for Anton. I expected him to greet me, but he was not there. “Collins, where is His Grace?”

  “His Grace is out in the gardens My Lady but, he was rather insistent that he not be disturbed.” Collins bowed and returned to helping Mama direct the footman as to where all the packages should go.

  I took off my bonnet and set it aside. I supposed being the Duke’s fiancé, that he would not mind me joining him in the garden. After all, it had been days since I had seen him. Surely he had missed me too.

  I wandered out the drawing room’s double doors and headed down the steps to the garden. As I walked under the tall arches covered in purple bunches of wisteria, I imagined how happy Anton would be to see me. How he would take me in his arms, kiss me and ask me about my trip to London.

  I continued down the pebbled path when I heard a muffled cry that rattled me from my dream world. I stopped, my head crooked and my breath held as I tried to listen and figure out where the cry had come from. Again I heard the sound so I scooped up my dress and quickly hurried down the path deep into the hedge maze where I was certain the sound had come from.

  Terrified that Anton was hurt or ill I rounded the corner expecting to come to his aid. What I saw was not my Anton lying on the rough pebbled ground in despair but my fiancé, switch in hand as he delivered a blow to young Clara’s bare red flesh.

  I stood there shocked watching as he delivered a sharp swat to Clara’s backside. She was gagged with a red silk scarf, her skirt raised, bloomers down, and privates in full view as she knelt on a resting stool in the center of the hedge maze. Her buttocks were bright red, nearly purple in some spots where she had been repeatedly lashed. There were welts on her upper thighs and her hair was moist with sweat as she obediently held her skirt up giving Anton access to her tender flesh.

  Anton stopped and looked at me with a snide smile. His face was flush and beads of sweat were on his upper lip and brow. He casually ran a hand over his hair, sweeping it back into place “Ah, Lydia I see you are home from London.”

  Clara looked over her shoulder, tears in her wide eyes but she did not move from her degrading position. Anger and jealousy overcame me but instead of throwing a fit, I managed to remain dignified as I walked straight to the young maid and pulled her skirt over her bare bottom. “Yes, I am home.” I said and tried to pull Clara up from her kneeling position, but she held fast and would not budge.

  “It is all right Clara. We have finished.” Anton said and tossed his switch aside.

  I watched as Clara pulled up her bloomers and untied the silk scarf. She sniffled but never said a word as she handed the scarf to Anton before hurriedly walking away from us.

  I stood in shock as Anton wrapped an arm around me. “I told Collins I did not want to be disturbed.” He kissed me on the cheek as if I had not witnessed something out of the ordinary.

  I put my arms up and pulled away from him “What exactly is going on with you and Clara?” I demanded.

  Anton clicked his tongue at me “Now Lydia there is no reason to get all excited. I told you I had needs when I proposed to you.” He put his hands on my shoulders “You agreed to marry me and I agreed to care for you and your mother.”

  His voice was so cold, taking me off guard, I stammered for something to say. “I suppose I do not understand.” I wanted to sound angry but it came out whiny and childlike, my voice thick with hurt and confusion. “What sort of needs are we talking about?”

  “Come - let us not be concerned with that at the moment.” Anton put his hand on my lower back and began walking me through the garden. “I have a surprise for you.” His tone, now warm and pleasant, made me sick to my stomach. Did he honestly think a surprise would undo what I had just seen?

  I stopped and turned to face him. As I stared directly in his eyes, I knew challenging him was overstepping my position but I did not intend to be taken for a fool. “Anton, you tell me what is happening with you and Clara.” I commanded with all the strength I could muster.

  Anton moved swiftly and grabbed my arms. His large hands held me tightly, his fingers cut into my flesh and his face turned harsh. His intense glare shot waves of fear through me as I struggled to stand firm. “Lydia, if you are to be my wife, you need to learn your place.” He forcefully spun me around “Lift your dress.”

  Stunned, I turned back to him “I am not a child...” I did not get to finish my sentence because Anton picked me up and carried me to the stool he had Clara kneeling on earlier. I squirmed in his grip and he chuckled as he sat on the stool and bent me over his knee.

  “You would not dare!” I kicked and struggled, but Anton effortlessly held me in place and tossed my skirt up over my back.

  “Oh, but I would and I will.” Anton spoke through gritted teeth, and I felt his hand come down on my behind.

  I yelped at his first strike on my tender flesh and continued wiggling.

  “You will only make it worse if you fight me.” He spanked me again. “Settle down and accept it.” He said steadily through his teeth again and smacked me.

  I could not believe what was happening. My buttocks stung where Anton was smacking me, I kicked my legs and tried my hardest to remove myself from his grip.

  “Stop!” I demanded, but it only made him smack my bottom harder.

  Gradually, I ran out of strength and had no choice but to submit to Anton as he spanked my bottom till it ached. I could feel the welts and I imagined my skin bruising in the shape of his hand when at last he stopped.

  I remained still as his large hand was still pla
nted on my cheek ready to strike at any time. I sniffled, but managed to keep the sounds of my sobs subdued.

  Anton’s hand lightly caressed my sore buttocks and I flinched at his touch as my body began to deceive me. Somehow the pain at Anton’s hands became more than pain as his hand explored my backside. My breath came in rapid gasps as I felt his long fingers slip over the round part of my buttocks to between my thighs.

  I sharply inhaled as he brushed over my intimate area and a rush of tingling sensations washed over me. At the core of the tingles was the little nub at the top of my slit and I found myself longing for Anton to rub over it again.

  When he did, I involuntarily opened my legs wider, granting him access to my triangle. I heard Anton sigh as he once again moved over my nub. I struggled, embarrassed by the moisture that now soaked through my bloomers like some kind of common trollop.

  “Steady.” He said to me and pulled me closer to his belly.

  I held my breath when I felt his whore-pipe pressed hard against me afraid he would take my purity right then and there.

  “There is nothing to fear. I will not deflower you before our wedding night.” He spoke calmly and with sincerity. I believed him and remained still as he ran his finger beneath the waist of my pantaloons and slowly slipped them down.

  I was thankful he could not see the distress on my face as I steadied myself for what would possibly happen next.

  The thin cotton that had held the last of my dignity was now gone and Anton was touching my hot stinging flesh.

  “So beautiful.” He murmured as he stroked my bruising skin, slowly moving his hand to my bare lady parts. The shock of his touch on my wet muff made my head spin. I worried I would pass out, but I did not, instead, I felt my body tense as he began to rhythmically massage me. His hand brushed over my muff down to my tingling nub and back up to my behind sending the most amazing feelings over my body. My breathing increased and his massage quickened with it. I did not know what was happening as my blood warmed and my skin ached for his touch. I began to whimper quietly and noticed Anton’s hardness twitch against my side.