LossofInnocenceKobo Page 2

  He mumbled something I could not make out and the girl instantly settled down. The Duke released her wrists and the girl willingly rested her head on an elegantly embroidered pillow that the Duke positioned for her. I continued to watch in disbelief as he lifted her skirts and revealed her underclothes.

  I shuddered as goose bumps spread over my body and I pressed my eye to the keyhole. His hand now caressed her behind. I felt embarrassed for her and strangely aroused at the same time. He slowly roamed over her round buttock and down her right thigh, pausing before he moved to her left thigh, over her buttock where his hand held steady. The Duke closed his eyes and breathed deeply, taking pleasure in the intimate contact.

  I was frightened and briefly contemplated fleeing, but could not pull myself away from the vision before me. I felt myself become warm as the Duke continued to touch the maid. His hand now went to the waist of her pantaloons and he untied the string that held them in place. I bit my lip to keep my silence as he pulled the string up slowly, untying the bow. His breathing quickened as he ran a finger under the top of the white material. A wave of warmth spread over me as he then slowly slid it down the material revealing the maid’s behind.

  My breathing changed at the instant I saw her naked flesh and a flutter traveled from my heart to my stomach then settled between my legs. I watched his hand now move over her pale, bare skin. Without warning there was a loud spanking sound and I cried out. My bottom felt warm and stung. I tried to put my hand on my buttock, to rub the stinging flesh but could not move my arms. Confused I stopped looking through the keyhole and turned around to look over my shoulder. I saw Anton’s grinning face as he smacked my behind again. I kicked my legs and tried to speak but nothing came out of my mouth as he spanked me again while I struggled on his lap in vain.

  I awoke with a start to find my Lady’s Maid, Sara sitting by my side. “Good morning My Lady.” She looked concerned and brushed a strand of hair from my damp face “You were whimpering in your sleep and you are sweating.” She seemed concerned “How are you feeling?”

  “I am fine.” I looked down at myself to see I was in my sleeping gown then looked back to Sara.

  “I put on your bed clothes after the doctor said it was safe to do so. It seems you fainted shortly after His Grace placed you in bed.” Sara walked across the room and opened the curtains. “Would you like to have breakfast in bed?”

  I looked about dazed and confused, still partly in my dream world and ashamed I had caused enough concern to merit Mama calling in the doctor. I knew we could not afford to have him here for such a minor condition.

  As the bright sun shone through my windows and lit my room, I pulled the blankets from me and stood up. “No I am fine. I would prefer to go and have breakfast with Mama and His Grace thank you.”

  Sara ran to my side “Are you sure my lady? You gave us all quite a scare last night. Perhaps you should stay in bed today.”

  “Honestly, I am fine.” I went to the wardrobe to choose a dress.

  “Might I suggest the blue one? It looks so wonderful on you.”

  “Of course.” I nodded and Sara took my blue dress and set about preparing me for breakfast as I attempted to make some sort of sense of my peculiar dream and my ever increasing strange feelings for Anton.

  * * * *

  As I entered the room Anton stood “How are you this morning?”

  He looked handsome as ever in his black suit, and I instantly wanted to swoon. When did I become such a silly girl? I chastised myself and quickly turned toward the long buffet table “I am fine, really.” I picked up a plate and looked over this morning’s breakfast feast avoided making eye contact with anyone. “I am so sorry to have caused such a fuss last night.” I placed a small scoop of scrambled eggs on my plate then headed straight for the sausages.

  Our breakfast menu as of late had been focusing on porridges since our financial ruin and the smell of all the delectable foods made my mouth water and my stomach rumble. I refrained from overindulging at the buffet and headed toward the table careful to keep my eyes from Anton. “I slept peacefully last night and it seems to have cured whatever ailed me.” I sat at the table knowing that was a lie. I was indeed feeling better, but I had not in fact slept peacefully. As I sat down my heart fluttered again as I thought of my dream. Silly girl! I scolded myself again at my unyielding disorientation caused simply by the Anton’s presence.

  Mama’s brow was furrowed with concern so I reached out and patted her hand “I am fine Mama. No need to worry.”

  “I do hope it was not my cigar smoke that distressed you last night my dear.” Anton said in an apologetic tone.

  I did not look up from my plate for fear of his intense gaze. “No, it was not that.” I dived into my eggs as delicately as I could, cherishing every bite.

  “Well, that is a relief.” He took a drink of his tea but, I could feel his eyes on me, willing me to look at him as I cut a bit of sausage and put it in my mouth.

  “The important thing is you feel better now.” Anton spoke, but I still did not raise my eyes.

  I continued to concentrate on my plate, anything to look away from him. I focused on the wall decor or Mama but never his piercing blue eyes, afraid he would see into my mind and know that he had been the reason for my fainting spell and worse yet that I had dreamt of him.

  I could sense he was growing frustrated as his attempts to engage me in conversation failed. I did not intend to irritate him, only to hide my impending feelings from him. I was not fully prepared to forgive him for being absent all those years and the rush of a marriage and unsuspected desire were overwhelming my thoughts.

  Finally, he stopped talking to me, and we ate the rest of our breakfast without a word. That is until Anton cleared his throat loudly and abruptly stood up. His manner startled me, and I had no choice but to look at him.

  “I am afraid I have business in town and will not be here for tea.” He declared angrily and I could no longer avoid his eyes. It was obvious he was upset as he tossed his napkin to his plate and looked at my mother. “If you will excuse me.” He bowed slightly at the waist.

  “Of course.” Mama looked solemnly at him and struggled for something to say “But you will return in time for dinner?”

  Anton walked over to her and kissed her hand “I will return before dinner.”

  “You promise?” she playfully chided in a weak attempt to soften his mood.

  Anton chuckled weakly but his brow was furrowed as he looked at me and spoke “I promise.”

  He released Mama’s hand and approached me. My heart leapt in my chest and I could not breathe as he took my hand. He held it tighter than necessary and bent forward to kiss it. He paused before his lips touched my skin and looked at me, one eyebrow raised in a sharp arch. I held his gaze having no choice but to look deep into his blue eyes as he spoke “I am so pleased that you are feeling better and I look forward to seeing you later today.” He kissed my hand, his lips lingering on my flesh then walked away.

  I watched as he breezed out the door and instantly regretted angering him but after last night I could not bear the thought of him seeing through me, seeing he was my weakness.

  Once Anton was out of the room Mama looked cross at me “Why were you avoiding conversation with Anton?” she picked at her food.

  “I am sorry. I did not mean to offend.”

  “Well, it looks as if you did.” She shook her head, sighed loudly and abruptly changed the topic. “I am so relieved that your health has improved. You had us both worried.”

  “I am sorry Mama.” I played with the remaining food on my plate, the guilt of upsetting Anton and Mama chasing away my appetite. “I know we cannot afford the doctor to be called out.” I shook my head “Especially for such a silly reason.”

  “Nonsense, my dear.” She lovingly chided me. “Besides, I did not call for the doctor and I did not pay for his visit.”

  I looked at her and she positively glowed. “Anton was concerned for you an
d sent for the doctor.” She patted my hand “He really has taken to you rather quickly.” She smiled brightly “I would not be surprised if he asked for your hand tonight.”

  I did not know what to say. I wanted to be cross with her but I could not. We both knew in the end I would marry the Duke. Papa had lost our fortune then took his own life leaving me and Mama with nothing but debt and scandal. I was fortunate to have such a fine suitor remotely interested in marrying me. I took a deep breath and exhaled, as I came to the realization that there was no way around it. If the Duke would take me in exchange for paying off Papa’s debts and taking care of my mother till she died, then I had no choice but to marry him. Would that really be such a terrible thing? I thought and the rapidly becoming familiar sensation of warmth and longing swept over me again.

  * * * *

  The rest of the day passed on slowly. Mama was distant and paced the floors. I knew how her mind worked. She was worrying about the Anton’s abrupt exit at breakfast.

  I tried to occupy her with needlepoint, but she was uninterested so I took her outside for a walk hoping the fresh air would do us both some good.

  As we walked arm in arm through the garden, the scent of the flowers stirred memories in my mind. The heady aroma of the lilies took me back to when I was a child. I smiled at my memory of the Duke, before he had married, as he carried me on his broad shoulders through the garden. He would frequently stop to point out a flower and tell me its name. I would repeat it and try to memorize it so I could show him how smart I was on his next visit. I longed for his attention and approval, cherishing every moment he spent with me.

  As I grew older I have to think I developed more of a crush on him than I wanted to admit. I took up hobbies not as much for myself but, in order to have something new to hold his attention when he stayed with us. He was my primary reason for taking up riding.

  As I overheard one of the many conversations the Duke and Papa had over brandy and a cigar, the Duke told my father that he found women too timid to ride a horse to be weak. With that tidbit of information I immediately set out to become the best female rider I could. It was not long before I had great riding skills and with the Duke’s assistance I became the first woman in our social circle to take up hunting.

  Mama was shocked that I would attempt such an endeavor, but with my relentless pleading and the Duke’s promise to watch out for me during the course of the day, Mama reluctantly let me go.

  I remember the pride on his face as he assured the other men that I would not be a hindrance as I was just as good on a horse, if not better, than they were.

  Papa was not pleased with me and dismissed my abilities as a rider, insisting that it was unladylike, but the Duke never wavered. I was able to ride with the men, Anton by my side. A day I will remember forever.

  Was that when I began to fall for him? I pondered as we circled around the large hedges to the rose garden. Their fragrance moved me forward in time to the night Anton left our house, left me. As he rushed past me in anger, Anton knocked over a large vase of beautiful white roses. The white ceramic shattered on the floor, roses splayed out in the puddle of water. I had hated the sight and smell of roses ever since. My heart immediately sank and I shuddered, pulling my shawl over my shoulders in response.

  “You are cold? We should go back to the house.”

  “I am fine Mama, you worry too much.” I pulled her close to me as she directed us back toward the house.

  “It is nearly time for tea so we should return anyway.” She patted my hand and tried to smile as we silently walked the long flowered path back to the house.

  * * * *

  “Has the Duke returned?” Mama asked Collins as soon as we stepped inside.

  Collins closed the door “Sorry, My Lady. His Grace has not yet returned.”

  Mama tossed her hat aside and hastily made her way to the drawing room.

  “Thank you, Collins.” I smiled and set my hat on the small table with Mama’s “We will have tea in the drawing room now.”

  Collins nodded “I will have it served right away.”

  I joined Mama in the drawing room “Collins is on his way with tea.” I sat in the chair beside her. “Perhaps you are interested in needlepoint now?”

  Mama shrugged “No. I think I shall have my tea then retire for a bit.”

  I tried my best to talk with her, to make her mind stop dwelling on debt and the Duke, but it was to no avail. She was deep in her thoughts and there was no drawing her out.

  After tea I took her up to her room and as I closed the door, I was struck by deja vu. My mouth went dry as I thought of the Duke spanking Clara. I walked down the hallway as I had done yesterday and stood before his door. My hand shook as I reached out to the doorknob. I feared being caught but told myself, He is away on business. Cautiously I turned the cold golden knob and opened the door.

  I hurried inside and closed the door behind me. My breathing was rapid, fearful of being found out and unsure exactly why I was in Anton’s room. I stood beside his bed and ran my hand over the delicate white material of his cover up to the pillow. I closed my eyes and imagined his head resting on the downy lump and inhaled deeply hoping to catch a whiff of his scent.

  I opened my eyes and walked to his wardrobe. Hands still trembling, I slowly opened the large, dark wooden doors and looked inside. I caressed the sleeves of his suits as they hung neatly inside, admiring the texture, savoring the sensation of the cloth on my finger tips. I leaned in and sniffed the cuff of the grey suit he had been wearing last night. My head spun as soon as I inhaled his masculine scent. I closed my eyes and pictured him as he carried me up the stairs, his eyes as he looked at me before I passed out. I stepped back and looked down at the row of shoes and boots in an even line beneath his clothes.

  Shocked by my behavior I closed the wardrobe and quietly walked to the door. I turned and surveyed the room before opening the door when a small brown box with a red ribbon caught my eye. I turned to the door knowing I should leave now, that I never should have entered his room, but my curiosity got the best of me and I approached his dressing table, and picked up the box. Could it be an engagement ring? I was contemplating opening it when the bedroom door opened.

  “Forgive me My Lady.”

  “Clara? What are you doing here?” I turned and held the tiny box behind my back, hoping she did not see it in my hand.

  Clara’s face was bright red “I am here on His Grace’s orders.” She looked down to avoid my gaze and I used the opportunity to step backward and place the box back on the dressing table.

  “His Grace is not here today, you must be mistaken.”

  Clara curtsied and turned to leave the room. “Clara.” I spoke in a voice of authority. I was curious why Anton should need her in his room again if she had displeased him enough to have spanked her. “What is it that His Grace needs of you?” I lied as I spoke the next sentence “He told me that he had seen fit to punish you for your earlier offenses so I wonder why he would send for you again?” I paused and Clara closed the door and faced me. Her bottom lip trembled as she was obviously fighting the urge to cry. “Just what is it that you have done to offend His Grace?”

  Clara continued to avoid my stare and curtsied “I am afraid I am not at liberty to say My Lady.”

  “Not at liberty to say?” my voice rose in pitch and volume as I spoke. “I am the Lady of the house. You should not withhold goings-on from me.”

  A tear ran down Clara’s cheek and dropped to the floor making me feel horrible for raising my voice at her “I am sorry, Clara.” I stepped to her and put my arm around her shoulders. “I did not mean to be cross with you.” I moved her to the bed and she warily sat down. “His Grace has you under orders not to speak of what happened between you?”

  Clara nodded her head yes.

  She was distraught and unwilling to speak of the issue so I grudgingly let it go. “Do not worry about it, Clara.” I rubbed her back softly to reassure her.

  “
You will not tell His Grace we spoke?” She looked at me with teary, pleading eyes.

  “If you do not mention finding me in his room, then I will not mention speaking to you.” I said good-naturedly. “Now back to your duties.”

  Clara hurried to the door and ran out, disappearing down the hallway before I could exit close behind her.

  As I wandered the hallway to my room, I could not help but speculate what might be going on between Anton and Clara. I wanted to inquire further, but I did not wish to get the young maid in any more trouble.

  * * * *

  As the sun set, even I was growing anxious that Anton had not returned. Unable to wait any longer, we reluctantly sat down for dinner.

  Mama was off in her own world as the servants set our food before us and Collins filled our glasses with wine.

  Mama lifted her glass taking a larger than normal drink and set the nearly empty glass back on the table. “I wonder what is keeping him?” she looked off in the distance, her eyes full of concern “Did he say anything about what type of business he had in town to you?”

  I shook my head “No. I have no idea what his business is.” I looked down at my bowl of soup and began to eat not wanting Mama to see that I too, was worried. I was not only concerned that Anton was not back but also pondering about his dealings with the maid.

  My mind reeled from emotion to emotion. Was I jealous of Clara? Was I frightened Anton would leave and not return? I was confused as I looked across the table where the Duke should have been sitting. Could it be I already missed his persistent stares? My mood sank further as I looked upon his empty chair.