LossofInnocenceKobo

  Loss of Innocence

  (A Victorian Erotic Romance)

  By Bella Carter

  As I came down the grand staircase I heard Mama talking cheerfully. The tone of her voice made it obvious we had company. I quickened my pace eager to see who it was. I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard his voice.

  My heart skipped a beat and I felt my face go flush. Was it that time already?

  Mama had told me she would be inviting The Duke of Davenshaw to stay with us. She also made it perfectly clear that I was to be at my best in order to make a good impression on my possible future husband.

  I suppose you would call the Duke a family friend. The handsome, Anton Wallace had been a business partner of Papa’s. They became close and the Duke often traveled with us, spending a great deal of time at our house so long as I could remember.

  Not looking forward to seeing the Duke, I slowly continued my descent down the stairs with my head held high. I thought of how I used to play with the Duke as a young girl. Once upon a time, he had been more of a father to me than Papa. The Duke always had a gift for me when he visited and graciously took the time to show interest in any of my childlike endeavors. At least until he married. Once the Duke married he was not around much and when we did see him, it was obvious he was trying to avoid us, or at least avoid Papa. I never fully understood their disagreement but it broke my heart when he was no longer in my life. I found myself furious at Papa, jealous of the new wife, and disenchanted in the Duke.

  He smiled at me as soon as I came into sight and nodded without ever taking his piercing blue eyes from me. I shrunk under the intensity of his gaze and curtsied once I stood before him.

  “You remember Lydia.” Mama smiled as she saw the expression of approval on his face.

  “Aww, but of course.” He took my hand and gently kissed it “I could never forget such a pretty girl.”

  He looked directly at my bosom and a soft moan escaped his lips. “My, my you have grown into a fine lady.”

  I was shocked by his crudeness. Was this the man I had adored as a child?

  “Good day, Your Grace.” I forced a smile and slipped my hand away. “How was your trip?”

  “Fine, but I must say I am rather tired.”

  Mama jumped in “Would you care to join us for tea or would you like Lydia to show you to your room?”

  The Duke looked me up and down before brushing a curly strand of dark hair from my face, his fingertips lightly stroking my cheek as he did “You ladies run along and enjoy your tea. I know my way around. I will get my things settled and perhaps lie down.” He continued to look straight at me “So if you will excuse me, I will join you later.”

  I watched as the Duke climbed the stairs. My heart fluttered and I touched my cheek where his fingers had briefly touched me. He was better looking than I had remembered, but he was still just as arrogant.

  Once the Duke was out of sight I joined Mama in the drawing room for tea. I felt myself becoming angered as I remembered my last encounter with the Duke. It was about a year before Papa had died. In my mind I saw his cold distant gaze, and his voice echoed in my head as he yelled at Papa before storming out of the study. I hated him for the way he had brushed past me that night, not even so much as a goodbye. He walked out the door with no contact until now. As far as I knew, he never even sent a letter of condolence for Papa.

  When our butler, Collins, and the footman left, I mustered all my courage and spoke up “Mamma, must I be pushed to marry the Duke?”

  Mama’s hands trembled and the teacup rattled against her saucer. She carefully set her cup on the little marble topped table by her chair and reached out her hands. Her face was pale and riddled with concern “Lydia, if you do not marry the Duke, we will be destitute and very soon, homeless.” Her bottom lip quivered and her eyes filled with tears. I took her hands and held them tightly. “Oh, Mama.” I felt terrible for her. She had been burdened with so much and here I was threatening her last hope of not dying a scandalized and poor widow. “Please do not worry Mama - I will marry him if he asks.”

  “You must do everything to ensure that he asks my dear.”

  I kissed her unsteady hands and released them “I will do my best.” I sat back and my anger now turned toward my Father. How could he have done this to us? As I grew up I saw that he was a selfish gambler. I witnessed my mother begging for him to stop spending so much money, but her pleas left him angry and he would disappear for days on end leaving Mama in tears.

  The stresses of our financial woes were heavy on Mama’s shoulders. She had aged many years in the months after Papa’s death. Her frail frame and pale skin now wrinkled by all the incessant worrying.

  After tea I walked with Mama to her room, in order for her to get some much needed rest. As I closed her heavy bedroom door I saw the Duke round a corner, his hand tightly around a maid’s arm. I found this to be curious as he was presumably resting in his chambers, so I followed the Duke and the chamber maid to his quarters.

  He did not realize I was following him as he was busy escorting young Clara to his room. They quickly slipped inside and he closed the door. I trembled as I made my way nearer. I held my breath, terrified of what would happen if I were found spying, but nonetheless I moved closer to the door so I could hear what was going on.

  I could faintly hear the Duke’s voice but was unable to make out what was being said. His voice was deep and hushed but the tone came off as commanding. I strained to listen when I heard a smacking sound and a muffled whimper.

  I was dying to know what was going on inside. What could Clara have done to deserve punishment at the Duke’s hand? I looked around the hallway nervously to make sure no one was coming then bent down and looked through the ornate keyhole.

  Inside I saw Clara sprawled over the Duke’s lap, her black and white skirts lifted up revealing her white pantaloons. The Duke held Clara by the wrist, her arm twisted behind her while his other hand roamed over her buttocks. I watched in shock as his fingers flirted with the slit in the crotch of her underclothes but did not enter it. I could not help but stare intently as he caressed her behind lovingly then delivered a sharp smack causing Clara to squeal softly.

  My heart raced. I was terrified for Clara but there was nothing I could do for her. I could hear him speaking, but he spoke in such a hushed tone I could not make out what he was saying. I could only watch as the Duke smacked her behind again. This time he hit her sharply and a gasp escaped me. The Duke looked toward the door a wisp of his normally perfect hair dangling before his eyes and a snide look on his face. There was a glimmer of perspiration on his upper lip and he smacked Clara harder.

  I pulled myself away from the door and ran to my room.

  I sat and looked in the mirror, my face was red from running and my body shook with fear. Did the Duke see me looking in? He had looked right at the keyhole.

  I was confused and frightened by what I had witnessed and more than a little upset that I had not helped Clara. I felt the sting of tears come to my eyes as I hid in my room wondering how I would face him later that evening at supper.

  * * * *

  I was nervous as Sara - my Lady’s Maid put the final touches on my hair. “Are you feeling well, Miss?” she asked “You look rather pale this evening.”

  “I am fine.” I assured her and stood up to check myself in the full-length mirror.

  “You look lovely as ever, Miss. I am sure the Duke will agree.” Sara curtsied and left the room.

  I stared deep into my eyes, forcing myself to muster the courage needed to go down to the dinner table and face the Duke. I told myself over and over that there was no way he could have known it was I peeking in the keyhole and grudgingly left the safety of my room.
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  As I approached the entrance to the dining room I heard the Duke’s voice. I was afraid, but entered the room anyway.

  “Ah, there you are Lydia.” Mama came and took my arm “I was about to send out a search party to find you.” She giggled and escorted me to the table.

  The Duke pulled my chair out and I sat down “Thank you.” My voice failed me and I whispered the words as he pushed the chair in. I tried not to show my unease as he circled around to seat Mama.

  “Oh thank you.” She giggled again as he pushed her chair in.

  I watched as he walked to the chair across from me and took his place at the table.

  I fidgeted with my napkin then placed it on my lap as Collins entered the room with a bottle of wine and began pouring the glasses as the others prepared to serve our meal.

  “Your Grace, I do hope you were able to relax before dinner?” Mama asked and my heart skipped a beat as my mind flashed to the image of him with his hand on the maid’s behind.

  He looked at me and a sly grin spread over his face as if he knew the image I held in my mind “Yes I did thank you.”

  “And your room is to your liking?”

  “Yes, everything is to my liking.” He winked and took a sip of his wine as he continued to look at me.

  I felt my face redden and looked toward Collins anxiously waiting for soup to be ladled into my bowl so I would have something to do with my hands.

  The Duke’s eyes relentlessly surveyed me causing me to become more and more self-conscious. I reached out to pick up my wineglass willing my hand to be steady. I took a drink and successfully set the glass back down when at last the footman served our soup and the Duke’s concentration was thankfully on his food and not I.

  We enjoyed our soup in relative silence as the servants prepared to serve the rest of the meal. I was beginning to get hold of my anxiety when the Duke broke the quiet “Do you still enjoy riding, Lydia?” his voice sent chills through me when he spoke my name.

  I took a small portion of duck from the tray offered me by the footman and nodded my head “Yes.” I answered and my heart sank as I thought of how hard it was the day we sold Juniper, my favorite steed. “But I have not ridden lately - we emptied the stables not long after Papa died.”

  I tried to maintain dignity as I spoke of our financial despair and looked across to see the Duke’s response. His brow furrowed as he looked down at his plate briefly then he looked up at me with an angry expression but spoke softly “I am sorry to hear that. I am sure that must have been difficult for you.”

  I nodded and began cutting my food “It was. But one does what one must to survive.” I looked at the end of the table “Right Mama?”

  “Yes.” She said as I watched the color leave her cheeks. She spoke again in a frail voice. “It was what had to be done at the time.” She took a sip of her wine and forced a smile on her face but I saw her hand tremor ever so slightly as she set the long-stemmed glass down. “But let’s not discuss such sad things. Tonight is a special night. The Duke has graced us with the pleasure of his company and we should enjoy his visit.”

  “Yes, Mama you are quite right.” I looked toward the Duke “It has been a long time since we have had the honor of your company. I do hope you have been well.” I tried not to sound cold as I spoke.

  The Duke dabbed the corner of his mouth with his napkin and looked directly at me. “I have to say I am pleased to be here and I deeply regret that it has been so long.” He looked at Mama now with a sympathetic expression. “So much has happened since I was here last, the passing of my wife and the passing of my friend, your husband” he nodded to me “your father.” He paused and moved his food about on his plate “But again, that is a depressing topic and I am here to find happiness.” He looked directly at me and my heart skipped a beat.

  “Well, I hope you find it.” Mama spoke in a matter-of-fact tone and smiled at me.

  I blushed at Mama’s words. She was not being as subtle as she imagined she was. But I had no need to be embarrassed as the Duke knew full well that she was pushing my hand into his and took no issue with it.

  “Oh, I am certain that I have already.” He continued eating and the table became blissfully silent again.

  I looked across the table when I thought he was not looking at me and admired his strong features. He looked about the same as I had remembered him, perhaps a little more handsome. His amazing blue eyes, his strong jawline and the small cleft in his chin had been forever etched in my mind. The biggest difference was his graying hair. I remembered his hair as darker, nearly black and it was always well kempt, unlike earlier when I saw him in his room with Clara. Once again, thoughts of him and the chamber maid raced through my mind, and my eyes automatically drifted to his hands.

  I discreetly observed him as he ate, looking intently at his large hands and thick fingers as he handled the silverware. As I watched him cut a portion of duck for some strange reason my mind wandered to an image of his hands on me, forcing me over his lap, holding my wrist tightly as he caressed me with his free hand. I felt myself become warm and a little dizzy. I was suddenly ashamed, not sure why I was having such thoughts. I quickly lost my appetite and pushed my plate aside.

  I continued sneaking in glances at the Duke as he finished the remaining slice of duck. I watched him chewing and had to look away as I found myself being mesmerized by his lips. I felt the room spin as I wondered what they would feel like on mine. My heart quickened and I took a large drink of wine as I tried to regain my decorum hoping he had not noticed that I had been watching him.

  The servants cleared our dishes and the gentle clanking of the china snapped me back to the dinner table. I watched as the footman set out smaller dessert plates of vanilla cake made for tonight’s special guest. I turned my focus on Mama as she relished eating such a sweet treat. An expense we had given up when we were not having dinner guests.

  I took a bite of my cake and allowed the sugar to linger on my tongue before swallowing. I wanted my Mama to have such delicacies and I knew if I married the Duke she would. I closed my eyes and savored the next bite. When I opened my eyes the Duke was staring at me again. I found it difficult to look back at him, he intimidated me whether he intended to or not. I looked down at my plate, frightened by my feelings and the part of me that liked the way he gazed upon me.

  * * * *

  After dinner we adjourned to the drawing room where Collins served us tea and the Duke smoked his cigar.

  “Play something for us Lydia. As I recall, His Grace always enjoyed your playing.”

  “Please, stop being so formal around me.” The Duke blew a large puff of smoke and grinned at Mama “We are practically family call me Anton.”

  Mama’s smile grew “Of course, Anton.” She positively glowed as she spoke his name - you would have thought she was the one lined up to marry him.

  I approached the grand piano and lifted the key cover. I placed my finger tips on the cool ivory and began to play. As my fingers glided over the keys, I felt the stare of Anton once again. I tried to concentrate on the music. I had played this song a hundred times, but when Anton stood and slowly walked toward me my hands trembled and my slender fingers struggled with what key to hit next. I continued playing as Anton now stood behind me. My tummy fluttered and my pulse quickened as he leaned in close, only a hair’s width from my ear and looked at the music sheet before us.

  I could smell him - the musky scent of a man mixed with the smoke of his cigar. I inhaled deeply and felt the room begin to spin. When he repositioned himself, the heat of his breath touched the nape of my neck sending a tingling sensation through my body as I had never experienced before. My heart felt as though it would leap from my chest and my fingers hit the wrong keys. I stopped playing and Anton placed his hands on my shoulders.

  “Are you all right Lydia?” he held me firmly as I fought the urge to faint.

  “Yes.” I said weakly “I think perhaps the wine has gone to my head and I should lie
down.” I lied not wanting him to know it was his being so close having such an effect on me.

  Mama rang for Sara. “You do look a little pale, my dear.” She was now at my side. “Anton, would you be so kind as to help Lydia to her room?”

  “It would be my pleasure.” He held my arm, as I had witnessed him holding Clara’s arm earlier that day sending the vision of her over his knee, skirt lifted back into my mind yet again. As if in a dream, I heard the smack of his hand on her behind and her muffled whimper. My knees went weak and I nearly fell but Anton was there to catch me.

  “I am sorry.” I apologized “I do not know what has come over me.”

  “Nothing to apologize for.” Anton scooped me up in his arms just as Sara arrived.

  “Sara, go with His Grace and Miss Lydia. She is feeling unwell and needs attending. I will be up shortly to see how she is doing.”

  Sara led the way through the parlor and up the stairs to my bedroom as Anton carried me in his arms. I felt as if I were drifting through the house. His step was light and he carried me as if I weighed nothing. I wrapped my arms around his neck and placed my head on his shoulder as we glided through the long hallway.

  Being so close to him made his scent impossible to ignore and did not improve my light headedness. I closed my eyes, unsure how I was feeling toward the Duke as we approached my room. Could I be enjoying being held in his arms, the man that I hated for leaving me long ago?

  “Here we are, Your Grace.” I heard Sara say and opened my eyes just as Anton was setting me on my bed.

  As I loosened my arms from his neck, we momentarily gazed into each other’s eyes. Our faces close enough to kiss, eyes locked, I felt the room spin and everything went dark.

  * * * *

  That night I had the most vivid dream I had ever had. I was back in the hallway, peeking through the keyhole. I saw Anton, a maid over his knee. The maid struggled and tried to hold her skirt down but Anton pushed her into position and held her over his lap. With one strong hand he skillfully held her frail arms behind her back, each tiny wrist clasped in his palm. I sensed he had pinned down many unsuspecting maids. I wondered why the girl did not cry out but instead only emit muffled sounds when it was obvious that he was hurting her.